IKKIJI

What happens when you ask yourself what is best for you, what do you want, but you are not quite sure what you want. Or maybe you know what you want but the only way to achieve it can hurt others, someone you care about. Do you take that risk and hope everything works out for you, or do you think about the others and try to bear with the anguish set upon you. It’s a question I’ve asked myself far more than a single time, and every time I seem to act selfless, as if I don’t have the same feelings that others might. When really my thoughts, my emotions may be far stronger than that of person next to me. Yet I am always the one left there, hurt, as others go on smiling, looking at this as a brighter day, when mine has become just a bit darker. Yet every time I seem to look past the darkness, finding that speck of light shining down onto me, but what if the situation has no light. Even the most selfless act ends in the sadness of another. Bearing the weight of a situation upon my shoulders has always been something that was easy for me, it even felt good knowing that others were smiling on. Though this situation is far different. Even if I try to act as the hero, someone gets crushed under the weight, and no matter which path I choose it ends in the weight of someone else’s emotions slowly dragging me down. Everyone tells me, “Ian, its about time you think about yourself”, but to me its not quite that simple. Others may have an easy time just brushing off a situation knowing that in the end everything will work out for them. Though I can’t simply live like that, it may give me brief satisfaction knowing that it will get better for me, but soon enough the thoughts of how are others dealing with this will consume me. It may not be the right mindset to have in every situation, but it’s always been what makes me, me. Just a small selfless act makes me feel better about myself. Though in this situation no one ends up truly satisfied, I made my mistakes, I admit that, but now which ever direction I end up choosing, I have to bear with not only my own emotional instabilities, but knowing that I had created more for someone else. And I know only 2 possible people could be reading this, and even if no one reads this, it was just something I needed to do for myself.